Take Notice
by EnsoDancer
Summary: Donatello performs a very difficult task and uses analysis to cope.


**Summary:** Don performs a difficult task.  
**Warning:** Character Death.

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There are probably a lot of things you take for granted, being human. Lots of things you don't even appreciate or notice, because they're just always there when you need them. But I notice. I've always been acutely aware of what it really means to be human…or rather, not human. Aware of all the luxuries one learns to go without when you are a mutant.

When I was a kid, it was school. I know, I know, who wants school? But believe it or not I actually used to fantasize about having homework and joining the debate team and entering the science fair. Now don't misunderstand, of course Splinter taught us. All the basics, reading and writing and basic math. Actually, for someone who was never trained to be a classroom teacher, I'm awed he accomplished as much with us as he did. And Father's wisdom isn't in question here, it's just that he's more of a philosopher than an engineer or chemist, so there were some limits. But you see it wasn't really the limits in subject matter that bothered me, so much as just wishing for other children who loved learning as much as I did. Who craved knowledge just for the sheer joy of obtaining it. My fellow nerds, I'd guess you'd say. Not exactly how one would describe Raph. He hated lessons when we were kids. It's not that he isn't smart, its just he's more of a practical learner, more interested in street smarts. And Mikey? Well, he was always a little too energetic to sit still for lessons. Makes me laugh to remember all the times Splinter had to go chasing him around the lair. In fact I don't have to remember, Sensei's still trying to get Michelangelo to focus on a near daily basis. And then there was Leo. Leo…

he, um…

Sorry.

My brother Leonardo was always a good student of course but his motivations were less academic as they were about honor and winning Father's approval. In fact, that's what everything was about with him. Honor, following the Bushido code, protecting the clan, protecting us. It was his single focus even back when we were children…and even yesterday, that's all he had been trying to do. Protect us, protect me. And we let him. We let him play that role, we let him—

But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that school was one of those things humans take for granted, that my brothers and I had to do without. And it didn't stop there. As we've gotten older each of us has had to accept what it means to be not quite human living in a human world.

For my little brother Michelangelo, its the constant need for secrecy. You see, Mikey is a people person, an extravert. He thrives off the energy of others. If he could have gone to college, he would have been the life of every campus party, that's for sure. I've often thought he might have made a great stand up comic or even a therapist for children, he's so disarming and in tune to what folks are feeling. It's one of the reasons I know he'll be knocking on my lab door soon to make sure I'm still holding it together in here. But despite his naturally social nature he, like us, is ninja. We live, we fight…and we die in the shadows. And its more than just a means for us to keep the secret of our existence from those who would dissect and harm us. Its a way of life, its our Father's way. Turning from it, would be turning from him and that's something I doubt any of us could ever really do. Especially now. And so Mikey will never enjoy the large circle of friends he should have. I actually remember once finding him in the sewers, just staring up through the grates watching people like you come and go. People for whom being in the light and among the crowds was so normal, so expected it didn't even warrant notice, but Mikey notices and I notice him.

But like I said before its just another thing you get used to. You make your peace with not having some things. Well, that is unless your name is Raphael. Raph and "peace" just don't really go together. But then again, I guess I can't really say that either now, because Raph's been unusually calm through all of this. He's really the one holding us all together, now that…well…

Usually my red-banded brother is emotional and confrontational and angry. And we all give him space when he needs it and forgive him his outbursts because we love him and we understand. How can I explain it to you?

You see, you watch the six o'clock news. You see that crime is on the rise or that a politician is corrupt or that…someone was killed. You may think, 'oh how awful, what's the world coming too?' But for the average human, that's where it ends. You view tragedy from the safety and distance of your sofa. And when you don't want to see it anymore, you can just change the channel. But for Raph its not like that. We see the worst of humanity, everyday. Raph couldn't ignore the constant tragedy and injustice if he wanted to. And fighting it is simply a part of who he is, even as the fact that he will never be able to save everyone tears at his soul.

Why? That's what I want to know, why? Why should Raph be tormented? Why should my brothers bleed for you, who take for granted an existence where catastrophe is the exception rather than the rule! Why would fate create us just to feel such agony? Why any of this? Why did he always feel like he needed to protect me in a fight? Why didn't I save him? Why Leo? Why now? We deserve better, he deserved better, oh God, why!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to get emotional, I-I just—It's just hard right now. Its so soon, too soon. But this has to be done and I won't lay this burden on my father or brothers. And what's worse, is that this is just another one of those things that humans never give a second thought to but that we have to live without.

You see as much as I would have liked to go to school or wish Mikey could have friends or Raph could have justice, nothing has ever hurt as much as this. And I know if I were human, having someone else to prepare our dead… brother's… body…would be one thing I would never take for granted. But there are no undertakers for us. I'm it, all we have. I couldn't save his life. I tried, I failed. I won't fail at this.

I know humans suffer losses. And I know that your loved ones die too, but I bet you've never had to do what I'm doing right now. There's no ambulance to rush in when a mutant falls. No one cares or even notices because we're less than human to you. But hear this, we do fight and bleed and we die, just like you.

So here I am closing his eyes and easing the tension from his features that look so young to me now. I'm using stolen medical gauge to clean the dried blood from his face. Kissing his cheek and whispering, "Rest brother, rest." I'm laying his swords at his chest and folding his arms around them. I'm wrapping his cold heavy form in white linen and I'm trying desperately to stay coherent as I feel the edges of my sanity start fray, because I don't have the luxury of taking this for granted.

Oh Leo, how did this happen? What are we going to do without you now? I never truly believed it would come to this. I'm not ready for this. You were so strong, the best of us, I just always thought you'd be h—

Oh, and there it is.

The truth wrapped in irony and mocking me. For all that humans ignore and don't appreciate, I shouldn't say anything because I'm guilty too, aren't I?

And you're not really there. And I'm really just talking to myself because its not just humans that take things and people for granted, assuming they'll will always be there, never really noticing what they mean to your life, that is… until they're gone and its too late.

Owari

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Thank you for reading. Your feedback is always appreciated.


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